Although this is a joyous time of the year, today is bittersweet. Six years ago today, I lost my baby- a baby that I have named Nathaliel Silas. Yes, Nathaliel instead of Nathaniel. I liked the way that the softer ‘l’ rolled off my tongue, the way I could almost just breathe the last syllable out. I said na-THA-liel and Silas was the usual way of pronunciation. His father could have cared less that he did not survive the pregnancy, so I got to name him all by myself without any input. The loss of Nathaliel baffled Dr.Fay in Waterville and she did all sorts of tests to see why the baby wasn’t doing well in my tummy. Something about the scar tissue in my uterus calcifying, I’m not sure and I don’t care anymore. I have since had two miracle babies!
Still… the loss of my son Nathaliel hurts – and it hurts even more to not hold my other living son, Trinity. I have felt the heartache of child loss too many times. Even just once was too much. I have nothing to remember my children by. So I have commissioned an artist to draw/paint me a memorial. I’m anxious, excited, and nervous all at once. I now understand how expectant fathers feel. They’re anxious for the moment their child is handed to them, yet they are terrified they won’t fall in love instantly. It’s kind of like that for me and the memorial. I requested butterflies to represent my children among a lot of lilacs because I just love lilacs and “Unforgettable” in there. I won’t ever forget my children, no matter how hard I try. Sure, I will forget their birthdates and gone-dates, but I won’t ever forget them. If you asked me to rattle the dates off at a random time, I would have a brain freeze. But at the quiet stillness of the nights, I remember every one of my thirteen babies and their dates.
Nathaliel Silas, Happy Unbirthday and sweet dreams my little darling one. I love you and I always will. I look forward to meeting you one day, many many years later.
